Here are my thoughts on the previous posting. I appreciate everyones candid comments. DK you crack me up. If you found yourself being very upset about the post, maybe it is you that really needs to look at the questions and think about what you think of the topic. There is a reason that I chose to do this post. Most of the people that look at this blog are my family, and this is a conversation that has never been had.
What is your idea of a faultless family? No such thing.
What is a parent's role?
I do think the role of parent’s changes. I do not think that a parent has the same goals for their influence on a 35 year old as when that child was 16. Their role changes from disciplinarian and life skills guide to be a parent that is there for advice, insight and to be a role model.
Do these roles change when you have a family of your own or when others do?
I think the role of a parent changes drastically when their children have a family because the children’s’ role has changed; they are parents and have spouses. Your time to shape them into good people has passed now you are there to support them and to spoil the grandchildren. Enjoy the product of your parenting.
What is a sibling's role?
Siblings are to be the best friend even when they really get under your skin. A sibling is there to beat the hell out of one minute and throw the football to the next. Siblings also give the tough advice that parents can’t get away with, like quite rolling your jeans, they look ridiculous.
Do you extend more/less than you expect back?
A kind generous person never gives with the expectation of receiving something in return. To teach a child to give without the expectations of getting something in return is one of the greatest life lessons a parent can teach a child. All that being said you have to know that family member and know what to expect in return for your efforts, why would you set yourself up for disappointment?
Do you have higher standards for yourself as a parent than you did for your parents?
I think this is difficult to answer without my parents being offended. But, I would ask my Mom and Dad what their response is before they judge me about mine. Did you ever wish your parents said ‘I love you’ more? What did you do about it? Did you tell your children more? I do think you can set higher standards for what you expect of yourself as a parent. I also know that many people look to their parents and just hope they can be the kind of parents that theirs have been. So this answer is subjective.
Is part of a parent's role to establish and maintain harmony among everyone? How?
I think that it is a parent’s role to establish harmony among the family. Parents can create an atmosphere where harmony can manifest itself, with family trips, gatherings, vacations and holidays. Along with the gatherings, the parents need to promote positivism and good will. If the gatherings are fun and full of love then harmony will take care of itself.
Is there such thing as good will within families? Yes, it is necessary. By the way I define good will as doing things, small things and big things, only with the hope of making that person happy. Sending roses to your wife for no reason is a good example of good will.
Should your good will be returned or is there no need to return the good will, no obligation?
Yes you should return good will, but there is no obligation.
Is it “do unto others only as they do unto you”, no more... no less? I think good will should be the rule, but when this is taken advantage of, or abused it will probably become more difficult to initiate good will.
Maybe so, because you see your role (as a child, parent, brother, sister or whatever) is to carry more of the burden than the other.
This may not be fair, but it seems that the role of parents of young adults may be out of balance. The parents seem to have to do more than the young adult.
Are families supposed to be tolerant of each other? I think tolerance does have a place in families. Only if you agree with everything anyone does and says, do you never have to tolerate within the family. I know that my family has to tolerate many things about me. Anyone smoke in the family, do you tolerate it? Do you tolerate things about your spouse? Hunting, candle parties, tennis lessons, golf, 4-wheeling and etc. I know my wife does.
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6 comments:
I'm back! Are any of you tired of reading my "medical texts"? When my fingers start typing they have a hard time keeping up with my mind but they give it a heck of a shot.
I would like to comment about what I expected from my parents. I know that my parents didn't say I Love You a lot. I did hear it though, and when I did it meant a lot to me. Do I feel like I didn't hear it enough? No. I think everybody shows love in different ways. Some give hugs and kisses, some give toys, Nintendos, bikes, and everything else the kid wants. Some give time. Some give vacations. Some give their all at work so that they can provide a "normal" life for their kids. Do I disagree with the way some people do it? Yes. Does that mean they are doing it wrong? No. Does a child know when they are loved? I would say they know more when they are not loved. I know for a fact that I was and still am loved a great deal by my parents. They didn't have to tell me for me to know it. As a matter of fact I myself don't say I Love You to them nearly as often as I should.
We all expect to learn from mistakes but this parenting thing has been going on for hundreds of years and we are all still making mistakes. So why hasn't it been perfected yet? Because we are all different, our kids are all different, and we all react differently to everything and have different perspectives and expectations on life. So the exact same decision can be made by two different generations of parents with opposite paths taken and the same result is possible. So as we all know with everything that we do, we do our best with the skills we have and what we have to work with. How can anybody expect more than our best.
You gave an example of good will within families as something you would do for your wife. What would be an example for your family?
Chad, I am certain you are reading into my comments. You said “what I expected from my parents”, in your previous entry you said you had no expectations for your parents? Why and when did this change? What I said was “do you set higher expectation for yourself as a parent”. The very slight distinction needs to be drawn because of this; you are assuming that I am saying I am a better parent because I do something that my parents never showed me. The point I am making is this, if you recognize something that you would like to do better you should do it! If you think your parents are top notch, no need to improve, aim for that example. I use this example because it is one that I, ME, MITCH BENSON put value in; I want my wife, my kids and my family to know that I love them. And I tell them more than I should rather than the contrary. Unfortunately, this is more difficult with my immediate family (Mom, Dad, brothers and sisters) because this is not the norm, thus awkward to initiate. I don’t like this and it would be different if I had my say. This is not an overnight thing and you can’t just start, although I have tried to initiate change. #1 I have told some people more than they have told me, #2 I have told my family ( Jen, Kya and etc.) more in the past 8 years than I have ever told anyone ever! #3 I have brought it up here! I am not out to change the world, I am not out to call people on where I think they could have done better; that is what everyone is taking from this except for Kristy and Jen’s family (thank you Kristy and Jen’s family)! Maybe we should do things like say “I love you” more, rather than less. Maybe we should talk about things that piss us off about each other rather than tell each other what pisses us off about another person. Maybe this would make us a more close knit family rather than what we are!
I too know I was loved by my family, please don’t question that. Did I say our parents did it wrong, why would you even imply that? They didn’t have to tell me in order for me to know, but I do know that the times I did hear it, I really heard it! It can take a lot of nerve and gumption to say I love you for the first time. It is important and should not be overlooked! Grandma Benson says it all the time and I cherish it each and every time.
What is an example of good will with-in family? Why do I need to give and example? I will to humor you… Jen and I take care of Jackson and Jaime takes care of Kya. We have no idea who helps who out more; we just do it for each other because that is what family does. Jen and I have a “date-night” once a week every week. We can do this because either Deb & Wayne or Jaime is there to take care of Kya for us. Good will. More? Hayley has come to Fargo to stay with us while our daycare lady is on vacation for a week, Good will. Chad, Kristy and family stopping in to see us while just “passing through” because they want to see us, Good will. It comes in varying degrees and frequency. All I know is that whether it is a simple little card that says “My life would not be the same without you” or just a phone call to say “Hi”, good will can make your day and none of us do it enough! So instead of questioning me on what my motivation is for doing a posting that spurs this conversation, maybe we could be grateful for the conversation that has never been had!
I think that due to the medium we are working with that you are reading into my comments. I am simply trying to answer your questions/comments honestly. I am not trying to argue, make excuses, or say that either of us is right or wrong. Like I have said before, when we are having discussions like this through print there is a lot of room for interpreting what the other person is saying and how they are saying it.
Actually that first sentence in my comment was just restating your statement/question, it wasn't me stating something new. I can't figure out how to bold any of the text so it was a little confusing.
I was not assuming that you were saying you are a better parent. I am/was simply trying to say that we all take things from our parents and either use them or change them; trying to do what we think is best for our kids. I don't think anyone would disagree with that.
I do the same thing. I kiss my kids and tell them I love them all the time; just as you do. I agree with you when you say that this is different with our immediate family. I don't think there is anything wrong with this (and I'm not saying you do). Our family has always operated a certain way and I don't have a problem with that (and I'm not saying you do). I do it differently not because I set out to do it differently. I did/do simply what comes natural to me. Other people will tell their wife and kids that they love them in differnt ways. This is how I/we have chosen to do it.
I am a little upset that you thank Jen's family and Kristy for their comments yet leave me out of the thanks. I have been commenting honestly on your blog form the beginning. I have seen only one comment from Kristy and 0 from Jen's family; while I have written nearly (according to D) a medical textbook. If Jen's family are involved in the discussion where are their comments? I assume they are communicating verbally with you which makes this entire discussion much easier. That comment does piss me off and thus I will say it outright so as not to leave room for misinterpretation.
In paragraph two of your comment I will respond by saying that I was not questioning you. I was trying to say that we all have a different perception while we are growing up. I told you mine and was saying nothing about your perception. I don't know your perception, we haven't talked about it. I thought we were having a philosophical discussion here. I was simply stating my thoughts on the topic.
Don't humor me, dammit. I was honestly asking because you gave an example with Jen and I was trying to understand your philosophical opinion more from an immediate family point of view; which I can't do with your example using Jen. You keep saying in this blog that you don't want people to read into comments and not to take them personal, yet it seems your comments about my comments are just that (that's a lot of comments in that sentence). Maybe I am reading yours wrong at this point as well, I don't know; and at this point maybe I should stop commenting since my opinions are not valued as much as Kristy and Jen's family's are. Take a good look, I think and feel like me and you are the only people involved in this damn discussion.
Well, Well, fine mess we have here. A young lady once told me everybody has a history. Yes, everyone has a story. AND Mitch, I am sorry I didn't tell you often enough that I loved you. I love you, I love you. Love is my motivation for almost everything in my life. I married for love, twice! I had children out of love. I raised my children with love. Even tho I didn't say it enough. I went to work everyday out of love for my children. I went to bbgames out of love, to football games out of love. I bought a house out of love for my children. I worked hard at bringing 2 families together out of love. I get together for holidays out of love. I went without out of love. My kids always had the best I could buy (out of love), and I had the lesser. I had very few hair cuts, very few new clothes, very little was spent on vacations and new cars and big fancy houses. Cuz I spent everything on could on my kids, because I loved them so much. I remember living in Fargo. I could have gone on welfare as a single parent. I remember being told by a lawyer in Linton "go home and bake cookies" "you're taking a job away from a man" But me I stuck it out as long as I could so I could always help my kids. I have given and given to my kids and never taken for myself. Because I love them more than life itself. If it doesn't show I am sorry.
Amen
I love you too, thanks for saying it. It is very good to hear. I never said I wasn't loved, I was. I was sent to Kansas City for a school function, some weren't because their parent wouldn't pay for it, mine did. I know I was loved. Again, I never said I was not loved. I have more love than most. I said that I make it a point to TELL my wife and kids that I love them, and I TELL them a lot! This does not mean I love them more, just TELL them more. This is not a bad thing, contrary to popular belief. PS I second the Amen, also contrary to popular belief.
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