I would like a little feedback on this one... On the content, not anything directed at me or my family. Don't get pissed because you think it is about you, just having a healthy discussion here. Remember my, blog my rules :) If you are easily offended by things that aren't meant to offend you.... do not continue to read!
What is your idea of a faultless family?
What is a parent's role?
What is a sibling's role?
Do these roles change when you have a family of your own or when others do?
Do you extend more/less than you expect back?
Do you have higher standards for yourself as a parent than you did for your parents?
How about Grandparents, grandchildren, cousins, Step-parents (since we all have them; must have been the in-thing back in the 70's and 80's) That is intended to be funny!!!!!! Don't get mad, laugh!!!
Is part of a parent's role to establish and maintain harmony among everyone? How?
Is there such thing as good will within families?
Should your good will be returned or is there no need to return the good will, no obligation?
Or is it do unto others only as they do unto you, no more... no less?
For example, if you rarely hear from a family member, can they expect you to contact them more than they contact you?
Maybe so, because you see your role ( as a child, parent, brother, sister or whatever) is to carry more of the burden than the other.
Are families supposed to be tolerant of each other? Obviously they are, but to what extent? For example, if you don't hear from them for a while; you aren't invited to parties or gatherings, etc. Are you to still unconditionally love them and accept them for who they are and how your relationship is with them? Because you are never invited, does this mean you are less loved? Can you be upset about never hearing from them? This is just how your relationship is and always has been. Do you have the right to be upset about it? And if you invite someone to these things, but they don't come for what seems to be legitimate reasons, should you be spiteful of that? Should you even pass judgement?
Now, is it possible to respond to these questions without assuming: a) it is about you or b) you know my answer to the question? I don't have answers, you don't have answers we just have opinions and beliefs. I challenge you to put your two cents in without being offended. After all, I am just putting this up as a conversation point.
You will have to control your eagerness to read into any of the questions, they are just questions that where on my mind. Don't make this something it is not. Think of this as a positive forum for exchanging ideas and gaining understanding of what each of us expects from family, your family.
Sorry for all the cautions and requests for checking your temper, but you may remember that once upon a time I ranted about Xmas lists and suddenly I was a idealistic scrouge that may never recieve a gift for the rest of my life! I love every gift I have ever recieved! Even the carolina blue fleece vest.
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7 comments:
You got a Carolina Blue fleece vest? I once got a neon yellow with orange stripes vest. I even wore it to school, back when vests were cool. I hope there isn't a picture around about that one. I'll weigh in on your questions/thoughts in a while.
A family is a family. You, me, everybody I feel is expected to take an active role in there family. We all want a happy and healthy family. When one sees that others in there family are not happy then it is ones responsibility to make the family whole again. All families have ups and downs just like any relationship does. All relationships take work, and I mean work. One can not have a relationship if they do not work at it. The relationship will falter and fail. Not all families are successfull, but I feel all families CAN be successfull. Everyone wants a big happy family! -soo do I.
I'm going to do my best here. You have a lot of questions here, not all of which I believe are solely for philosophical discussion; but I will give my honest opinion just the same.
My idea of a faultless family is that there is no such thing. At least not from an honest, inside perspective.
A parent's role. I will think of this as me to my kids. My role is to provide them a safe environment where they can make decisions without fear of failure. My job is to discipline them so they understand what I expect of them as a person and as a member of my family. I will do this when they are 50 if I have to. My role is to also help them explore the world by giving them space to explore and make decisions on their own, this is not always easy. I could go on for quite a while here but there are many questions to get to.
A sibling's role? I’ll approach this from a sibling perspective. I would expect a sibling to not be a sibling. That means nothing to me. I want a Brother and/or Sister. That means much more to me than sibling. I would feel obligated to help them by giving advice, even if they don't want it. Help them by offering support, even if they don't want it. Help them by listening, even when they don't want to talk. Now I say all this but I also think there is a point when you back off. That point comes when you are always the one holding out your hand first and never, or rarely, do you see the same in return. If I chase after something long enough I get tired and slow down. I start to wonder if I should be the one always chasing. Being a brother or sister means you have to do half the work. How much work is done in total is normally the problem. Sure unconditional is grand and all but the only thing I think is unconditional is love. Brothers and sisters should be confident that if they ask for help the other will be there for them. Brothers and sisters must want to spend time with each other whether it be golfing, drinking, watching TV, hunting, or just hanging out in a backyard. Brothers and sisters open their homes in a way that they do not feel like a guest.
Do the roles change when you have a family of your own? Yes. Do they have to? No. When you change I assume you mean lessen. I don’t think there is anything I have listed above that can’t still be done when you have a family of your own. How those things are done may change but they shouldn’t end.
Do you extend more or less than you expect back? I don’t know how to answer that. Do I expect more in return? No So maybe that means yes to your question, I don’t know.
Do you have higher standards for yourself as a parent? Well yes, of course, I didn’t have standards for my parents. I was a kid, what did I know about being a parent. As a kid I expected to get fed, have a warm bed, and be shown some attention so I knew my parents cared. I think everyone parents differently, good or bad. I think varying degrees of that comes from how you were parented, whether you do it the same because you agree or different because you didn’t like it that way.
I’m not sure what your question is about Grandparents, grandchildren, cousins, and step parents. I don’t have grandchildren, most of my cousins grew up moons from me so I never got to know them, sure wish I would know them better. Step parents? I would say that I am DAMN lucky that I have been so DAMN lucky. I work in the school system and see what kids deal with every day when it comes to their parents. Some of these kids have terrible lives, terrible parents, terrible grandparents, and terrible step parents. Me I was painfully lucky to have the step parents I did. I don’t see how they could have been any better to me than they were, I really don’t.
Is a parent’s role to establish harmony among everyone? Everyone under their wing? Yes. Is this easy? I’m sure not. How much control do they have? Some, they can only talk to people; they can’t make people change their minds or change their feelings. They can only help the process along.
Is there good will within all families? Remember I work with kids all the time where this is certainly NOT the case. Should it be? Yes, absolutely.
Should your good will be returned? Absolutely, but not because you gave, because the other person wants to.
Do unto others as they do unto you? As I explained before there comes a point when this does enter in sometimes. For example. Kristy and I are almost always early no matter where we go. Do we get frustrated when others show up late, yes. Does this mean we are going to show up late? Probably not, it drives me crazy. Is there a chance I would show up late to a meeting I know damn well the other person will be late to? Yes
If I rarely hear from a family member I will still try to make contact but not nearly as often as if I did hear from them. For example, I have heard from Curty a lot during the football season this year. Mainly to give me grief about the Vikes. So in return I have tried to return that by calling him more often as well. It is a give and take and I think if both parties feel their effort is reciprocated then they will try harder.
Are families supposed to be tolerant of each other? Yes, and I think they are more tolerant than anyone outside of the family would ever be. There is an obligation to put up with them because they are family. Do you have to like it? Nope. Do you broadcast it? Nope. When I say this I am talking more about extended family. Immediate family cannot be this way. Immediate family shouldn’t have to ever use the word tolerant. If you have to tolerate someone in your immediate family then there is a problem.
As for all of your invite, don’t invite, come, don’t come questions I don’t know how to answer all of that. Let me see. If I invite someone and they never come then I would wonder why. Is it a scheduling problem or a distance problem? If so then maybe the problem is really in my court and I should plan this event when it is easier for them to come. If I invite someone should I expect to be invited in return? Yes but only if there is something to be invited to. How many times do you invite someone and have then not come until you stop inviting them. That depends on who they are. If they are immediate family then you keep inviting them and try to find out why it is they really aren’t coming. Maybe it is legit, maybe they feel uncomfortable, maybe they are upset (in which case you might want to know why).
Can you be upset about never hearing from them? Depends on who “them” are. But for the most part I would say yes. You can be upset about anything you want to be upset about. But I would think of it this way. Why are you never hearing from them? Are you contacting them? Are they made at you? Are they really, really busy? I hear from some friends often, some not so often, and some once in a long while. Am I upset about this? No. They are friends, so I will contact them as often as I can and I would expect that they will do the same in return. Now when it comes to immediate family it sure would be nice to hear from people more than once or twice a year. It sure would be nice to hear from people more than just seeing them at family gatherings or holidays. But this is a two-way street and effort must be show on both sides or the number of contacts will slow.
There are my $7.53 worth of opinions. Am I right? Of course they are my opinions. Do I think they were all put out there are simply conversational questions? No. I think there may be reasons behind some of the questions. Does that matter to me? Nope You want answers, I got your answers right here. I think I heard that in a movie one time.
Damn, I've read medical textbooks that are shorter than Chad's answers! Nice work.
Here is my short version.
1) "Family is family." Make of it what you can.
2) "_uck'em if they can't take a joke!"
Hey did you see how many questions the guy asked? Just his questions were a page long. Oh and Mitch I sure hope you plan on weighing in on your own questions.
Ok, so I read it and read it again, each time I came to my own question. Mitch are you crazy, is it your first day out? Ok, that is two. To think no one will be upset is nutts!!! Why are you doing this? Stop trying to create drama, and just ask the simple questions. Ask them direct and ask them to the person they are intended for. I am not hiding behind anonymous so don't you hide behind your questions. If you have something to ask, ask it.
Hayley, did you read the 1st paragraph, most importantly the last sentence of the first paragraph? In order to have a healthy discussion regarding where people stand on certain things. Such as what do you mean by asking "Is this your first day out?". I am very interested in this. I am not trying to create drama, mearly gain understanding. Have you ever had this conversation with your family before? Maybe this is an opportunity to express your thoughts and set others, like myself, straight. Set me straight. Don't beat me up for starting a conversation that has never been had!
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